SHE'S OUT OF MY LEAUGE: THE JERRY SEINFELD STORY


Foreword: For the first time in the Lampin' Blog' history, we have a guest post, coming by way of a man simply known as Cash Daddy. When he isn't pounding 40's or hustling out infield singles in slow pitch softball, Cash Daddy can be found in a gym knocking down corner threes like it's his job. In five years, you'll be glossing over his name in the movie credits. In ten, he'll be one of the first names you'll see roll, yet probably won't remember unless you're someone who respects the finer aspects of cinema.

Please note, we won't be doling out guest articles left and right to any friend of ours who comes knocking. We bequeathed Cash Daddy this terrific and vast subject matter due to his dedication to the most frustrating question of the late 20th century: "Why can't I get girls like Jerry? I'm better looking than him!" While all true Seinfeld fans have looked introspectively to perhaps find an answer to this daunting dilemma, Cash Daddy may indeed have struggled internally with it the most. And thus, we at Lampin' deemed it appropriate – nay – necessary, to give this righteous man the forum to languish (and celebrate) one of the most *gulp* charismatic and charming men in sitcom history.

Without any further ado, enjoy this eloquent essay on the many girlfriends of the one and only Jerry Seinfeld.

He is known as the sexual kingpin of the '90s. He is capable of making any woman’s libido rev like a Ferrari engine. He is one of the few men to do damage on the dating scene while simultaneously tucking his shirt into jeans. That man is no other than Jerry Seinfeld. During the nine seasons of Seinfeld, Jerry dated 66 women, most of which were way out of his league.

But just how did he do it?

While Jerry admittedly does have a certain suave and moxie about him that many men fail to possess, we must dive deeper into his personality and morals to see just how he was able to consistently date some of New York's finest women.

Along with Jerry’s comfortability and confidence in social situations to attract women at first, it was his immaturity that led to the numerous relationships that all failed to last more than a few dates. It often seems similar to an 18-year-old fraternity star who will do anything to put a variety of notches on his belt.

Jerry finds small reasons to make these women worthwhile in his mind to date. Whether it was dating Donna Chang because he thought it would be cool to date a woman of Asian descent, dating Celia just to play with her toy collection, trying to sleep with the gymnast Katya so he could be used as “the apparatus” or dating a girl named Lois so he could picture himself as Superman dating Lois Lane, Jerry’s immaturity and lack of integrity led to mostly superficial relationships that had no chance of lasting.

Every once in a while, Jerry would start dating a girl and things would be running smoothly. But as an audience, you knew the inevitable downfall of their relationship would be Jerry obsessing over her slightest flaw.

Whether it was a justified reason to be bothered or not, Jerry was never able to look past it. Some of these include finding fungicide in Tawni’s medicine cabinet (which turned out to be for her cat), Melanie eating peas one at a time, Christie wearing the same dress every time Jerry saw her, and Jerry not feeling comfortable kissing Jenna even days after he drops her toothbrush in a toilet. He is childish, immature and of very few morals. At least he admits it though. While I love Jerry like a father, his lack of maturity and integrity would make him fit much better into the “cool uncle” role.

However, we are not here to dissect the qualities Jerry may lack, but instead we are here to celebrate a man whose sexual prowess and achievements are something that must be valiantly honored. Through the years, Jerry had a knack for administering pure sexual pleasure to some of the most beautiful women in New York all while working with what couldn’t possibly be more than 5 3⁄4 inches.

While Jerry’s greatness was undeniable, there was one woman that the fabled Jerry Seinfeld induced orgasm eluded (see below). But as any master of their craft does, Jerry put his nose to the grindstone to perfect his art. While on this great journey Jerry even patented “the move” that many much more masculine men such as David Puddy could only try to emulate. He is also the author of one of the greatest sex talk lines that most of us will never be bold enough to even attempt.

“You mean the panties your mother laid out for you?”

- Jerry Seinfeld, 1992

Jerry is a trailblazer. There is a reason that men such as George Costanza, Kenny Bania, Ramon, and the great Babu Bhatt want to be just like him.

Over nine seasons of Seinfeld, Jerry, accrued a sexual track record that would leave some of the other sexual legends such as Warren Beatty and Derek Jeter smiling proudly. Take a look below as we rank Jerry Seinfeld’s top 5 girlfriends.

1. Tia Van Camp (Jennifer Campbell)

Tia, the Calvin Klein model who Jerry meets in first class on an airplane takes the cake for me. She is sexy yet classy, funny yet intelligent. While we only see her in two episodes ("The Airport" and "The Pick"), every moment she is on screen she is absolutely flawless.

Unfortunately for Jerry, she stops returning his calls after she thinks she sees him picking his nose even though there was indeed “no penetration”. In all fairness, Jerry fully deserved this because he would have done the same had the situation been switched. But in reality, Jerry never had a chance to make their relationship last. Tia is far too beautiful and famous so it was only a matter of time until she moved on to someone more sensible and better looking.

2. Sidra (Teri Hatcher)

What makes Sidra so desirable is how she seems like an attainable and “real” woman, unlike Tia. This is quite ironic because Jerry’s whole dilemma is that Elaine suspects that her breasts are fake. This makes Jerry want stop seeing her because, “It’s like finding out Mickey Mantle corked his bat.”

But when Jerry does find out that, “they’re real and they’re spectacular” Sidra had already seen right through Jerry’s plan of sending Elaine into the sauna to do some investigation on the dilemma. This is another tough break for Jerry, but it’s hard to say he didn’t deserve it.

3. Jenna (Kristin Davis)

Jenna and Jerry seemed like they would be a good match for each other. She is a nice easy going person – until Jerry begins overreacting like he always does. Obviously a girl brushing her teeth with a toothbrush that fell in a toilet would make me not want to kiss her either. But after a few days, with a woman like Jenna, I think I would be able to let it slide. Especially with her perfect smile and teeth I would not be able to resist. But to be fair, the thought of the toilet bowl toothbrush would always be in the back of my mind.

4. Rachel (Melanie Smith)

I’m not going to sugar coat it, Rachel is kind of a bitch. She has captain of the cheerleading team written all over her. She says and does whatever she wants and has no remorse. But to be honest, this only makes her more enticing. Despite her hairstyle being a little too “nineties”, she is extremely attractive and the perfect girl for a nice weekend in the Hamptons with all of your friends (that until the friend that is most like George we all have ruins the trip because of their sheer lack of confidence).

All in all, Rachel is a catch, but a guy like Jerry is just too nice and easily off-put to tame her.

5. Elaine (Julia Louis-Dreyfus)

Call me crazy to throw Elaine in here but the woman is an undeniable sexual workhorse. She has reached the pinnacle of success with her sexuality. What makes Elaine herself, is how cocky she is about her sexuality.

She is the only known woman who has been able to withstand a Jerry Seinfeld induced orgasm even though we all know that was a rendezvous filled with passion, raw physicality and veteran leadership. Elaine’s lack of an orgasm absolutely bewilders Jerry and he has a hard time believing it. The idea of her picking and choosing which guys are “sponge-worthy”, resisting Keith Hernandez, getting very near to getting Robert to “change teams”, and causing the downfall of John Jermaine’s saxophone career shows the power that she has over guys.

So it must be damn good, right? She is in no way the type of woman you would not want to be the mother of your kids but i’ll be damned if you tell me that it would not be fun to date Elaine for a few months.

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